if this is what you want then fire at will.
i don't think i will ever find a band that will make me feel like i do when i listen to them. it's sad. what do i want to say? i want to get everything out but i don't know where to begin. my heart pounds constantly and it scares me and i think thinking about it scaring me scares me more but i don 't want to deal with it. i want to calm down. i just want to calm down. i want to breath, and calm down, and be fine. and mellow. but i'm not there. and the more aware of it i get the more aware of everything i get. every movement, particularly at night, makes me spin. if i roll over at night and i tug the covers in a way i was not expecting, i go into a panic. i freak out and i can't understand and i feel fuzzy and then i acknowledge all of this, decide i've actually gone batshit mental, and try to calm down. everything races. and i'm not, there. i'm not awake despite how much i sleep. i'm so foggy all the time. i have heard myself say, "sorry i'm just kind of spacey," so many times that it's becoming embarrasing and i'm almost sure that everyone at work thinks i'm just dumb. which i might be but really my job isn't tough and i just don't think i know how to act in social situations and my brain seems to be cut off from me all the time and i'm just not entirely sure what the fuck is wrong with me. what the fuck IS wrong with me?
you have convinced me that taking anxiety pills may not make me crazy. but getting to the doctor and paying for said pills is going to be impossible. as of right now i think i will go. my mind will probably change tomorrow. i can't commit to a nail appointment, let alone going to tell a doctor i think i might be insane and hoping he will prescribe something for that. good lord. this is my life? but really, am i doing this to myself? because i tend to want to change my mind, tell myself i'm making this up in an attempt to feel something and then i don't actually deal with the problem at hand. so maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to just go to the doctor? would it really fucking hurt me? i don't even know this guy, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. maybe it would. couldn't someone just do this for me? can they not just sell anti-anxiety meds on the shelf at the grocery store? are normal people on this kind of medication? do i tell d? do i tell anyone? am i making this a way bigger deal than it actually is? you betcha.
i have zero sex drive (this could all be related i'm entirely aware of that, thank you) and i am lucky d has stayed with me. but all i do is worry that he hates me for it. but im trying. and i love him more than anything. and i know he feels the same blahlahblah but i feel awful and guiltly and i wish my brain and my body would just get together and figure it out cause it may ruin my relationship even though i don't think he even realizes it yet thank god.
surprisingly the one thing that should be fucking with me the most right now isn't. i'm more concerned about hearing my heart beating in my ears that i'm not overly concerned that i may have just lost my best friend in the entire world. but the tricky part is that yes she is my best friend, but not because she is a good friend to me? more because when i hang out with her it just makes me comfortable and .. no it doesn't. it's familiar. that's what it is. it is familiar. her, her parents, her house and the fact that everything that was once in the house i grew up in is now in her house, it is all so familar and that seems to be what i am so desperately searching for right now. i'm re reading books, and i never do that, solely because i know i like them and know how i'm going to feel throughout the entire book. and that is what i get from her, and that is what i miss. and i know it seems like i'm making bigger deal out of that night than i really need to. but i also just can't seem to explain what a fucking terrible night it was, and how that is the gist of the last 3 times i have seen her. i no longer have a relationship with my best friend, i was just there to referee the drama. and i did do the best friend supportive thing, and i did the make better deicisions thing. back to supportive. then i got stuck in the stage where she knows i'll deal with it cause i am huge pushover. and that ends now. so she can come back to me with a better apology and sans boyfriend and i might be happy. but she will have had to be away from him for a pretty long time before i could ever ever ever trust that he was gone for good. fuck i hope she figures it out, i won't be able to deal if she doesn't. but for right now i just wish she would leave me be cause i'm not all that freaked out about it. i have good friends right now. i mean, i have 3, but they are good and actually give a shit about my well being and that counts for something huge.
i felt better and then i let my mind wander and now i feel just fucking strange, that is the only way to describe it now. i feel fucking strange. all the time.
but baby when they knock you down and out, it's where you oughta stay
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